Someone Else's Book Club: Meet the Herpezoids

 

NOTE: Today's guest blogger is Skragg, the King of the Herpezoids. Or, as he is known in his human form: Jerry. Jerry wishes to use this space to share some common misconceptions about Herpezoids.


Greetings, human readers of this “blog.” I have been informed that these are where you overshare thoughts you could have kept to yourself. Excellent. I shall overshare as well.

Allow me to address a few misconceptions about Herpezoids—because apparently, the propaganda machine known as “Corporate” has been spreading lies again. We are not monsters. We are a proud, nomadic species with rich cultural traditions—like conquest, body-hopping, and avoiding the written word at all costs.

Yes, it’s true: books make us queasy. The sight of a paragraph can send a Herpezoid into a full existential spiral. We don’t know why. Something about “letters forming ideas” feels… dangerous. But do you mock the vampire for fearing sunlight? The werewolf for flinching at silver? No! You write fanfiction about them. Yet when we vaporize a small library or two, suddenly we’re “the menace.”


Let me tell you what’s really hard about life as a Herpezoid: you can’t ever get comfortable. One day you’re inhabiting a promising host—nice muscles, decent credit score—and then some shlubby human blasts you with a Multiblaster set to literary analysis mode. Next thing you know, you’re expelled into the ether, drifting until you find a new body (usually damp, occasionally mid-bowling game).

We dream of simpler times, before Corporate got involved, before humans discovered our aversion to literature. Now, everywhere we go: paperbacks, hardcovers, e-readers, bumper stickers quoting Hemingway. Everyone has a damn book about something. Your planet even allows people the opportunity to publish books all on their own! Self-published authors, you call them. The horror. 

Still, I must admit Earth has its charms. Snacks. Cable television. The concept of “casual Friday.” And I have grown quite fond of this Jerry body. He is slow of thought but quick with spreadsheets. We have an understanding. 

So please, the next time you encounter a Herpezoid, don’t reach for your book club membership card. Offer us kindness. Maybe a podcast. Just… nothing with subtitles.

We only want what all species want: to thrive, to belong, and to not be forced to read Moby Dick ever again. I mean, so what if we occasionally dismember one of  you. Just remember, humans. We have eradicated books before. We'll do it again if we get the chance. 


Someone Else's Book Club releases on October 23rd, 2025.

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